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Beer Nuts & Other Heroes

Beware of the Free Cheese

(And other survival tips for aging baby boomers)

The Premise

There are way too many of us!

Our numbers are staggering. Estimates range from 50 to 60 million baby boomers.  We “Pepsi generation” guzzlers will start hitting retirement age in a few years. We’ll be everywhere! Like huge chunks of artery clogging fat, we’ll bring normal activity to a crawl. Banks, pharmacies, libraries, restaurants, and the highways will see unparalleled congestion.

We will act the same way as all seniors do today!

When was the last time you got aggravated waiting behind a senior citizen? Was it at the bank while “Charlie the Clueless” holds up the line inquiring about every bank product and service charge known to mankind? Or was it at the pharmacy when “Lost Lorreta” asks for the location of 47 items ranging from greeting cards, to dental floss to preparation H? Remember how you said you’d never go to bed before midnight? Well, the oldest of us boomers are in our late 60’s and by midnight they’ve gone to bed and gotten up to pee three times. We’re already at an age when we go to bed feeling fine and wake up injured! So it’s a given we will act exactly like seniors do today. God help us and those who will have to contend with us.

They’ll have to figure out a way to eliminate us.

They can’t possibly work hard enough to support us. The Social Security inter-generational Ponzi scheme will start to unravel and when it does the capitalist system will figure out the obvious solution. Get rid of the geezers! So, I figure they will try to get us to gather in large groups possibly under the guise of getting free cheese. Once in the building, we won’t be coming back out! So make “beware of the free cheese” your motto for survival. The following advice is given to help prolong your stay on spaceship earth. Peace brother!

You Might Already Be a Target If

(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

Alert situations: go immediately into survival mode

  • your proctologist is anxious to show you his new roto-roter
  • the census taker by-passes your house (she’s in the know!)
  • you notice your barber starting up his chain saw (when all you asked for was a trim)
  • your personal trainer wants you to do neck presses with a 250 lb barbell
  • the senior dental chair comes with leather straps and a 220 line (more than a gentle vibration)
  • after three small boys bury you in the sand at the beach you notice four empty bags of quick drying cement (those little rascals)
  • you’ve been promoted to safari advance scout and given a ceremonial pork chop as a good luck charm
  • you’re taking a nap on the floor and someone is drawing a chalk line around you
  • your new hot tub is shaped like a kettle & has fire wood underneath it
  • the librarian recommends a “scratch & sniff” book on deadly nerve gases
  • you’re given preferred seating at your favorite mountain overlook restaurant.   The railing has been removed to enhance the view and your seat looks like a catapult
  • your remote control adjusting Jerry Garcia tie resembles a noose
  • you’ve received a factory recall message and been directed to report to the Jiffy 20 minute multiple organ surgery center
  • your notice a red light beam on your chest
  • your sweepstakes notice says “you may already be dinner” and it’s not a typo
  • you’ve anonymously been enrolled in the wild mushroom of the month club
  • your bungee cord is twenty feet longer than the bridge you’re to jump from and you’re instructed to wear it around your neck to extend the experience
  • your Binford turbo-charged “suck N flush” toilet comes with an extra wide seat and a built-in garbage disposal and trash compactor
  • after your physician gives you a complimentary necklace that resembles a dog collar, you remember the “high voltage” electric fence sign out front
  • after your kids ask for a lock of hair and a nail clipping, you notice a copy of “voodoo for dummies” on their coffee table
  • you receive a free gift from the “NRA and mortician coalition” to save social security: a t-shirt with a large bulls-eye on the front and back
  • your relaxation therapist tells you that oxygen is overrated and suggests you wear a sanitary plastic head cover while you sleep to help your snoring
  • you receive a brown package from a Mr. U. Bomber
  • you lean back at the beauty parlor for your normal shampoo and notice a large guillotine above your head
  • you notice the “soylent green” protein bar at the health food store has your picture on it
  • your pizza is making a ticking noise
  • the township digs a deep drainage ditch in your backyard and a large man with a shovel asks you to inspect it before they fill it back in
  • your doctor stamps an expiration date on your forehead
  • your paperboy resembles Freddie Krugger
  • your new agent tells you you’re the centerfold in the next issue of “Cadaver Monthly”.
  • your replacement brakes are from “Toys R Us”
  • your body piercer has you lie down below a drill press
  • your brain surgeon has recently purchased an animal rendering plant
  • the organ donor card you just signed has a “collect on demand” clause in it
  • the sample box of “special K” cereal hung on your front door has black flakes and is a product of Kevorkian Industries
  • you’ve been listed in “who was”
  • a cub reporter from the newspaper calls and asks about the location of your funeral next Thursday
  • your mysterious young neighbors with the humongous barbecue pit, who always smile at you & smack their lips, have just had a case of “senior helper” delivered from Krogers

Survival Tips

(Be forever vigilant)


Eat all the junk food you want! Just be sure to avoid these:

  • A next to die insurance policy from “Euthanasia of Omaha” (with your young wife’s tennis instructor as beneficiary)
  • Honey flavored edible underwear on hiking days (stick to the jockeys)
  • Certain new products:
    • Velcro biodegradable pace makers (a little too convenient and environmentally responsible)
    • Ginzu Zipper Clapper (use the Velcro here)
    • Ben & Jerry’s “Rocky Toad” ice cream
    • Pop Rock Preparation H (a little dab will do you)
    • Three Mile Islandblue hair die (makes you an easy night target)
    • Sun tan lotions with shake & bake additives
    • Drive through pizza ovens
    • Viagra Pez (but what a dispenser)
    • 18 inch rectal thermometers (big isn’t always better)
    • Depends disposable body bags (for those big accidents)
    • Rope on a dope (it’s soap on a rope)
    • Tupperware sleeping compartments (don’t burp the lid)
    • Hemorrhoid leeches (yabba, dabba, do!)
    • Playing paper, rock & scissors with a large tarp, a 4-ton boulder and hedge clippers
  • Investment schemes to avoid: once they get our money we have less of a chance (change your broker if he suggests any of the following):
    • Tina Turner & Mick Jagger meditation, relaxation and holistic living clinics
    • Bob Dylan posture, linguistics, and chia pet cloning centers
    • Dennis Rodman charm, etiquette & diplomacy schools
  • Literary/educational products to pass on at Barnes & Noble:
    • Ross Perot’s latest book: “if my shadow isn’t out to get me, why is it following me?”
    • The Al Gore charismatic & dynamic speaking video library (unless you suffer from insomnia)
    • Bill Clinton’s interpretation of the King James Bible (unless your reading for the entertainment value)
    • The financial best seller: “I’m ok, your ok, but I’m not so sure about your cpa”
    • Archeological digs searching for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa (let Jimmy rest or you might just join him)
    • Deep sea discount fishing where you bait the hook (it’s a bait & switch scheme involving you)
    • Class reunions at remote incinerators (the bon-fire of the insanity’s)
    • 6ft x 6ft x 3ft flower boxes (stick with the K-Mart hanging baskets)
    • Wet t-shirts (too easy for the enemy to identify you)
    • Muscle shirts (an oxymoron at best)
    • Tombstone engraving classes (remember the instructor has a bigger hammer & chisel)
    • Cremation rehearsal sessions (even with the complimentary smores)
    • Booth photos (when the last senior didn’t come back out)
    • Dances with wolves reenactments (rent the video again)
    • Recycled nuclear waste suppositories (although you won’t need a night light anymore)
    • The green spam
    • Budget sky diving lessons with a slightly irregular chute that you pack yourself (you’re not George H. Bush)
    • Golf course sands traps with skeletal remains in them (take the penalty and drop a ball)
    • Resorts near landfills (no matter how good the buffets are supposed to be)
  • New age beverages:
    • Mercury protein shakes (although you’ll always know the temperature)
    • Pile drivers (prune juice & vodka) after two Viagra’s & the Macarena
    • Sprit of Ipecac  & gin fizzies (unless your in a projectile vomiting competition)
  • TNT brand of golf balls (buy a Big Bertha instead)

  • One pound vitamin pills (no matter how little they cost)

  • Hearing aides that look like a cow tags (it’s probably safer to learn to read lips)

  • Barbed wire liesure suits (even if Austin Powers wears them)

  • Seances that channel with the Donner party (now that’s bad karma!)

  • One-way jet ski adventures on the Niagara River

  • Gardening

    • Easy to plant “fall bulbs” that are large & green and only require pulling the pin before planting

·        Las Vegascaveats:

·        slot machines with a 3 crossbones payoff (stick to the keno)

·        roller blading on the ledge of Hoover Dam

·        aces & eight’s poker machines (with trap doors)

·        rooms with hair dryers next to the hot tub

·        heart surgeon named “oops Callahan”

·        “simon says” with the Manson Family

·        free body bag fittings (no matter how attractive the coupon special)


  • Handy tips to enjoy more sunsets:
  • Walk in the middle of all groups (the end ones are the first to go)
  • Eat lots of food preservatives (you may need them)
  • Move frequently (claim to be part of the witness protection program & a former mafia informant)
  • Shorten your back swing during thunderstorms
  • Give “courtesy flushes” in public bathrooms (you don’t smell as sweet as you did at twenty)
  • Trade in your Led Zeppelin shirt for an Alanis Morrisette
  • Go hiking with slower people (you only have to outrun one of them and not the bear chasing the group)
  • Learn to be a master of disguise (but do better than the fake nose & glasses)
  • Buy inflatable dolls (these are your young friends in the car)
  • Claim to be a self-employed insurance agent (they age poorly anyway & no one will ever want to hang around you)
  • Buy d-cup bras (you can store survival gear here)
  • Memorize all the episodes of the fugitive: some useful tips here (forget about Gilligan & Ginger)
  • If you can’t afford a plastic surgeon use duct tape to raise your bottom line
  • Learn pig latin so we can converse secretly in public
  • Visit gorillas in the mist (not in the midst!)
  • Cruises:
    • With walk the plank as a special senior activity
    • With snorkeling & shark feeding (go to the buffet rather than be the buffet)


Tips to increase the length of your stay at the hotel California:

  • play nude twister (too easy to nauseate & incite the enemy) 
  • trust anyone under 60 (just double & the reverse of the old rule)
  • ever claim to have gone to a ball game at Ebbetts Field
  • run with the bulls (you’re still best at shooting it)
  • tap dance in a mine field
  • have your social security checks mailed to your house (don’t give the posse or bounty hunters an edge)
  • put your pet piranha in your water bed
  • hum any Beatles tune
  • cluster in groups (skip the AARP field trips)
  • use “clean shower” instead of bathing (you don’t know what they put in that stuff)
  • list “dowser or typesetter” on your resume
  • wear anything polyester (bury your Brady Bunch revival outfit)
  • wear your “I like Ike button” (unless it’s Ike Turner)
  • buy puppies named Cujo (go for the chia pet)



Our parents had years of pent-up sexual tension. We are the result.

We baby boomers have changed the landscape of a nation. All was well while we were young, cute and the future. Now we are an oxymoron.

So, beware of the free cheese. Plot a survival plan.

As that wise sage said (it’s wise so an old sage must have said it but I don’t know who) “Just because we are paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get us." Make immortality your short-range goal! Be forever vigilant!